Bury My Heart Deep Enough, I'll Never Have to Feel
by Nicole Lo
Summary: Following the loss of Amy and Ricky's baby, the aftermath, and the truth about what really happened that summer and why they're both so hung up over it. Rating K  to T, branch off of "The Truth Is"
1. The Truth

**If I Bury My Heart Deep Enough, I'll Never Have to Hurt Again**

By: Nicole Lopez

Disclaimer: I have no connection with the actual production, casting, script-writing, etc of the actual show otherwise I would make Lauren's character interesting!

Author's Note: FYI, this is the third story I've started from this first chapter, but I've tweaked it a little. Check out _The Truth Is_ for the other versions and tell me what you think once you're done. No more branches off from this chapter.

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><p>It takes too much to feel anything, to let the crazy obscure happenings of life actually get into you and make you want to crumble to your knees in complete despair and to render yourself as useless in your own life. This was exactly why Amy Juergens preferred not to let emotions get the best of her.<p>

What would be in the point in letting them break her down? She'd already relinquished real emotion to controlled facial expressions that left many people to wonder if she were a robot or a real person. She had already been to be point where she crawled into a ball because there was nothing else that she could do, but lean onto something for strength and pray to dear God that this wasn't how it was going to end, that there was a reason for all of this.

That's why Amy went to church religiously and … Maybe that's why other people went as well. It made their lives make sense, even if it really didn't change anything at all. Amy now found herself going to appease her Nana, who had recently moved in, and try to bring some sense of normalcy to her life, but the problem was that now nothing could ever be 'normal' again.

Perhaps getting pregnant at her delicate age, fifteen, was a symbol, a staple for our times where the line between childhood and adulthood resulted in young drug addicts and mothers who were not yet able to vote. Never in her life had Amy thought she'd be a statistic, that during her first venture into doing something wild and crazy or … _fun _as everyone else would call it, she would end up carrying and nurturing a life that was so needy and so dependent on _her_.

As scary as it once sounded to her, Amy had already taken her life by the reigns and made some choices that probably the most mature adult couldn't make. Speaking of which, she really had to get this thing down. Here she was, married to Ben Boykevich and she couldn't even spell her new last name correctly. After three failed attempts, she walked down the hallway over to the next room to ask Ben for his help, again.

Without bothering to knock, Amy pushed open the door only to see Ben doubled over, face red and tear-stained from minutes, possibly hours of pure depression. She rushed to his side, fighting to keep herself from getting _too _involved. That would truly be an ugly thing.

"What is it?" Amy neared her newbie husband, starting to reach out to him, but choosing instead that standing dangerously close would count well enough as an actual embrace.

"Do you even need to ask?" Ben stood up and wiped away his tears, ashamed. He didn't understand how Amy could be so calm about everything that happened. She walked into the room, not a second of surprise crossing her face and now she was here just to keep up appearances. That's what it felt like. She was like this huge egg, impenetrable egg, but inside all there was was a soft, malleable substance that couldn't stand still for even a second. It needed something like a bowl or a cup to prevent it from dissolving into pure nothingness.

Ben sat at the foot of his bed, thinking about what this marriage was _supposed _to mean and how it came to mean something so very different. Now he was beginning to see why some people said fifteen was too young to—he silenced the thought. Marrying Amy Juergens was the best decision of his life. She was young, beautiful, thoughtful, and just going through a hard time …

After she asked him what was wrong, from the same spot in which she had been standing, Ben started to say nothing, but reevaluated the use of that lie in this environment.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"What are you talking about?" Amy took two calculated steps closer to him.

"Amy, honey, it's okay to talk about it and to think about it and to let it drive you crazy-"

"What's it?" She wondered, growing a little impatient. Sometimes she felt like she didn't get Ben at all anymore.

"Our baby. She's gone-" Ben started to exclaim dramatically.

"Oh. _That_." Amy retreated a step. "People lose kids. Life rains on us. It's no use crying. Something worse will happen tomorrow or the day after." She offered as Ben cringed at how soulless she sounded. Amy had suffered from a car crash, a crash caused by Ben who had been trying to take things into his own hands, to be a man, and make sure that she made her doctor's appointment.

"I guess it's different for you. You have no guilt in this because you weren't driving without a license. You weren't-" His voice started to break so Ben paused and started up again. "I can see the pure disgust in your mom's eyes and it makes me want to get out of this place. She hates me being here and _I _hate it here … being so close to the nursery and all."

"Are we done here?" Amy asked after a while, feeling the sensation to bow down to life start to rise. "It's late and we have the first day of school tomorrow."

"Yeah, honey … anything you want." Ben walked over to her and took her hands. "Good night." He kissed her softly, but only felt cold nothingness on the other side. Amy jumped backwards and headed for the door like a scared little rabbit.

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><p>Do you know what it feels like when everyone is watching you, <em>staring <em>at you like you're in a huge play and you dropped a line or something and they're just waiting for you to say those four or five words so that they can get on with their lives? That's what Monday morning back in high school was. It was early September, a little breezy but still nice outside.

Amy tried to do her best to keep her appearance crisp and sharp. She'd gotten rid of the long hair and sported a more sophisticated look that better represented who she had become. Madison and Lauren complimented her and made constant references to the miscarriage, which Amy tried hard to ignore.

If they thought they were going to get a Britney Spears moment out of her, then they were wrong. Breakdowns were for people who let emotions control them. She controlled her own emotions.

The entire day was still awkward, like being an animal on display in the circus where people walked in front of you and behind you all day long, peering over their books and through their locker mirrors, not even trying to be discreet about it.

A couple of new freshman came up to her and asked about it. Amy's response was a shrug and to simply walk away. She could see Grace Bauman's eyes following her around as well with her 'God save us' eyes. Amy bit her lip in return. She would say nothing.

The entire agonizing day seemed to take a week to complete itself, like the day that everyone found out she was pregnant. Amy had taken salvation somewhere where no one would ever expect to find me. High school, this _place _was filled with such bad memories that she—

"Hey." A sharp knock, on the glass window of the car she had been sitting in, jerked Amy back into reality. "What are you doing in my car?" Ricky Underwood's face peered before her. It was the look on _his _face, the reaching to hug _her _that caught Amy off guard and made her feel a little less stable than before.

"The door was open."

"What?"

"The door was open." Amy's voice shook a little as she stared at Ricky. It once disgusted her that he had been the first guy she'd had slept with. Ricky 'sleep with any girl, anywhere, anytime' Underwood. "I-I can leave if you want."

"No. I was just going to say … I never got to tell you this at the funeral-"

"Please. You don't have to." Amy promised as he cranked up the car.

"No, I do. I would've been a sucky father, I know that but I never meant for anything bad to happen to that baby Amy. It's just-" He stopped himself, cranked up the car and then drove away.

"Where are we going?" The answer came in the form of the local cemetery.

"You are _not—"_

"We have to go and see our little girl." Ricky opened the doors, took Amy's hand and led her through the wet, muddy grass. Cemeteries always gave her the creeps. The thought that you were walking on someone's dead body, a head or an arm, a face … it was disgusting to her. I was hoping to be cremated.

It wouldn't matter anyway. If she could have it her way, this life would be the end. Ben believed that Heaven was waiting for everyone. Amy had given up on the thought so to her … a dead body or dead ashes … it was still dead. But in hindsight, Amy should have cremated it too, to avoid the situation that was unfolding now.

"She's not here." Amy admitted.

"Yes she is."

"No, she isn't. Ben couldn't bear her being so far away so, we put her in my back yard. He visits her every day."

She hopped back into the car and Ricky drove her back to my house in silence. When his phone rang, he picked it up. It was Adrienne. There was a lot of yelling and cursing following by what sounded like phone sex maybe or maybe they were just saying words that I'd never heard of being used together.

"Take me to her." Ricky demanded, taking Amy's hand as she led him into the backyard. It was times like these when she wished they'd lived in a true suburban home where everyone's house was super close and 'yards' were impossible due to space limitations.

"There." Amy pointed from afar as she watched _Ricky _breakdown in front of her. Amy felt like I was in a really bad soap opera or this was a huge joke. Ha. Ha. Where was the camera crew? But no one showed up. Ricky came over to her, taking both of my hands and looking her in the eyes, which was … scary to say the least.

"Amy, I have something to tell you and … I hope that you'll be able to forgive me."

"I'm sure it's no big deal."

"That day … th-the car that you got into with Ben … the blue one-"

"I know the car."

"The reason why you had the crash was because of me. I got a buddy of mine to _'fix' _the breaks when Ben drove s-so when you got into that crash-"

"Are you _joking_? Ben will kill you when he finds out." Amy crossed her arms over her chest, unwilling to give in.

"Amy, are you listening? The reason why our baby is dead is because of me. I did it, I ruined it … everything for you and I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" Amy repeated, feeling her exterior melt away. "You're sorry? I can't even look at Ben the same way, everyone's staring at me expecting me to shatter, and … you know what Ricky, ever since I met you life has been sucky. So why don't you just do me a favor and go away? For good. I mean it." Amy gave him a slight push and then turned away from the grave site. Problem evaded.

By the next day the school was bustling about something else. Amy was no longer under a magnifying glass, which suited her fine. Last night, Amy couldn't sleep and had tired eyes to prove it.

"Oh my God." Lauren ran over to her and hugged her tightly.

"We thought it was you." Madison added, hugging Amy as well.

"What was me?"

"You mean you don't know?" Lauren asked, exchanging a glance with Madison before continuing. "There was a suicide attempt. There were rumors that it was you, but no one's telling us who it is."

"I know who it is." Amy whispered, running from the two girls and into the parking lot. Amy searched around for his car. It was red, an abnormal red. It stood out. It had to … Ricky was missing.

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><p>Amy didn't know why it came as a shock to her when she discovered, but she had to get someone to take her to his house and to see… Lauren was the only one who had a car and even though Amy didn't know how to drive, Lauren let her borrow it.<p>

She saw the look of desperation on her friend's face and for once, their friendship became more than just gossip. Amy ran to the parking lot, thankful that she didn't have to back out of the space since she could barely stop her body from shaking.

It got worse. Amy had no reason to be there, she really didn't but when she saw the police tape everywhere it all made sense. She had done this.

She'd told Ricky to go away, and he'd done it but … for good this time.

Going to the hospital was no use. No non-family visitors were allowed. Amy wasn't even able to get a peak and they wouldn't even confirm if it was Ricky in there or not, but she knew it was. Deep in cell of her heart, she could feel that it was Ricky.

A small, but shrill yell escaped her mouth as she thought about what he'd done. Ricky didn't do things quietly. He was bold and brash and there would certainly be tons of blood.

Amy backed out of the hospital, not even realizing that someone had been watching her the entire time, someone who could feel her pain, someone was drawn to it and wanted to make it stop.

Safe back in Lauren's car, Amy found no solace. Everything started to spin. There was so much blood. Blood, blood … Amy couldn't take it. She stopped the car in the middle of the street, just blocks from her house, and ran and ran until she got back home. She didn't stop. Not once.

She had to erase the memory before it flared up. Amy had to get home and take the medicine. She had to get my hands on it … Her pulse slowed when her house came into view. By then the damage had been done. Amy remembered it all. The blood. Ben's body pinned inside the car, her cracked forehead bleeding but it was nothing compared to the blood coming from the bottom half of her body. It was coming from the place where the baby would have been, had it lived…

There was a puddle and it kept getting bigger and bigger. Amy screamed and kept screaming … she didn't know what else to do.

"No!" Amy yelled, running to the backyard, the memories of the past catching up with her and turning her into someone Amy had tried hard not to be. "It can't be … y-you can't be." Amy whispered, trying to hold the ground, but deeming it useless. She needed to see her little girl. She needed to see what she would have looked like if she had made it.

Without shedding more than a few tears, Amy starting digging. Her nails cracked and broke off, her fingers bled, scratched up by the rocks and pieces of wood that surrounded the grave. When they put her into the ground, she hadn't looked. She _couldn't _look. Amy never got to hold her, but now … she would get to.

But Amy was weak. She couldn't even open the coffin. She just sat there, her on her left side, her to my right, crying over everything that I had denied myself of earlier. She curled my body around the coffin that held hers imagining myself playing in her hair and saying their final goodbye. At that moment Amy surrendered to her weakness, her humanness, her emotions and let life win. For then and there, she had no idea what the future would be or if she even would have one.

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><p>(AN: I revamped this and tried to make it from a general point of view instead of just Amy's. This is my 3rd attempt to take the story from this point to another. The others are listed under "The Truth Is." This one feels more natural to write but I don't plan on making anymore spin-offs from this 1st chapter. And I so love reviews. The second chapter is already written too. Maybe I'll post it next week? –NL)

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><p><strong>As part of my <strong>_shameless promotion … _**check out:**

**After the Hurricane **(Twilight)

**The Truth Is** (Secret Life)

**Fool of Me **(Degrassi)

**South of Nowhere** (Vampire Diaries)

**False Self** (Lizzie McGuire)


	2. Sand from the Grave

**Chapter Two: Sand From the Grave**

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><p>Amy had been laying there crying for who knows how long. She didn't think she'd ever be able to get up or pull herself together, but she no longer wanted to. Her heart felt so heavy that she was sure she would never be able to stand up anyway.<p>

There really was no point to now. Amy didn't want to get up just to see someone else die, to see more blood … she would rather blow her brains out than to think about it ever again. But for right now, she was just too tired and too weak to move.

"Amy … Amy …." Her eyes fluttered open slightly and she knew that it was Ben. It was always Ben to the rescue and she was just so ashamed that anyone saw her like this.

"Leave me alone." She grumbled, turning the other way and starting to cry all over again once she saw the baby's coffin. It was life-shattering.

"Is this her?" The voice wondered, a little more forceful this time as Amy turned back to look at him. Why would Ben ask this when he knew …

"You're not Ben." She whispered, feeling exposed as though he could see past her clothing, past her skin, past anything tangible and into the most vulnerable part of her. The true part, herself.

"I saw you at the hospital and called out to you, but you just kept going." Ricky explained, handing Amy the keys to Lauren's car, which she had left in the compact Chevy.

"But y-you're dead."

"I'm not." He brushed his hands through his hair, sighing. "So this is her?"

"Explain it to me. I thought you were…" Ricky gave the coffin a light touch, caressing it as though he actually cared. Amy clinched her jaw together and then forced herself into a tight ball once she thought about the fact that she had been lying on the ground in a dress.

"Answer me Ricky." Amy gave him a slight push, to see that he was real. He was. This wasn't one of her hallucinations. Ricky Underwood was here, with Amy, and her baby …

"I'm sorry." He repeated again, taking Amy into her arms and she was too weak to protest. The two stayed like that for a while, Amy's wet tears soaking his collar and Ricky's sobs tearing her apart. "We have to put her back." Ricky finally said after a while. The sky was darkening and it was a miracle that no one else had come home yet. Ricky was the only witness.

"I don't think I can." Amy responded as she watched Ricky put their little girl to rest one last time. When he was finished, the two sat beside each other on the porch steps, looking like they'd gotten into a fist fight with one another.

"I know I can't take it back. And you'd rather it be me than her. Me too."

"Why were you at the hospital?" Amy asked, thinking that it was useless to seem stoic at this point. She'd numb herself down with a couple of doses of Lithium later. But for now, she was okay with having things be like this, having this moment.

"It's really stupid and embarrassing … but basically Adrienne was at my place, things got out of hand, and I had to take her to the hospital. There's blood everywhere and I'm pretty sure she's going to be telling them a different story and make me the bad guy when I did nothing wrong."

"Why don't you just tell them-"

"No one's going to believe me and she'll just use this as another way … another way to keep me coming back to her." He sighed. "You don't care about this. This isn't your problem."

"They're going to make me go back to therapy now and talk about my feelings and how to get over it but they don't understand. My mother's never lost a child. My dad either, the therapist. How can I explain it to them?" Amy answered suddenly knowing that she looked completely unhinged. The medicine had calmed her a bit, but all it did was make things a little bit clear—and she was definitely screwed.

"You can always talk to me even though I'm way more messed up than you."

"Sure." Amy responded back, feeling a little better about this whole thing. She was starting to entertain ideas of doing this in the future, _talking _to Ricky or someone … having one friend who really knew what she felt like. "Maybe we can-"

Her voice was cut off by Ricky's ringing cell phone, which had remained silent until that moment.

He opened it up and immediately Amy could hear a girl purring on the other line. Ricky gave her a sympathetic look as she continued talking to her. Amy could tell what he was after, and the only thing that interested him. She'd just caught him at one moment, one point where she thought he was human. One, Solar Eclipse moment where they _both _were human.

Not anymore.

"Better go before she changes her mind." Amy commented, amazingly not sounding bitter or disappointed in the least.

"My therapist would say to back off."

"What do you feel like doing?" She wondered as Ricky gave her a look, a flash of something that suggested that he wanted her in the equation somehow.

"I'll get out of your space." He promised as Amy watched him closely. Had she missed something or said something with her body language?

Ricky leaving led her mind back to where it was before he had showed up. She had to down a couple more of these pills, make it through dinner, scribble down a few homework assignments, and then force herself to sleep in preparation for another day of hell.

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><p>A couple of days later and Amy was back at school, being watched like she was a zoo animal when it was really she that was trapped in an animal kingdom. There were the hyenas, but they seemed less threatening now that a wounded Adrienne was among them. There were the vultures that sat back and waited until someone was down until they pounced. To Amy, Ricky used to be one of them, but lately the way Madison had been acting … and then of course there was the perfect Grace Bauman with her virginity and her fake vows of purity.<p>

No one thought good things about everyone and everything all the time. But Amy had prepared herself to walk into the zoo this morning.

She had buckled down and put on her most sophisticated outfit, hoping that it would distract them from saying anything else about her. She hadn't heard anything, _yet_, but they were still watching for blood, especially the vultures.

"You look stunning today." Ricky Underwood whispered into her ear, trapping Amy before she'd noticed that he'd gotten so close. And in front of everyone?

"Please. People will talk." Amy muttered back, walking forward as though he had never paused to greet her. She sighed with relief upon seeing Ben waiting at her locker. For whatever reason he had to come to school early today, which is why they were separated for once.

Amy took his hand robotically, nodding and saying all the right things in response to him talking.

It was almost as if she were cured only … Amy knew differently. If you acted normal, then people treated you normally and didn't make you sit around and discuss your feelings.

Amy couldn't wait until class was over and there was no judgy eyes to watch her. She just wandered around after school thankful to have a thought, a moment that wasn't tainted by someone trying to figure her out. She nearly smiled to herself when the place was entirely quiet and Amy was sure, quite sure, that she'd never want to leave this place, if it were always like this.

"You missed band practice." Once again, there was Ricky Underwood, jutting himself back into her life.

"And everyone survived, didn't they?" She answered back bitterly.

"I understand why you're so cold … you're pissed and you should be. And the way I've been bailing on you-" Ricky started.

"Don't apologize. What do you want?" She wondered as he creeped closer and closer to her like the scheming little fox that he was.

"I need advice. _Girl _advice." He explained.

"Oh really?" Amy's eyebrows rose. First, he came by her house and then he was acting like they were friends? But she couldn't help herself. She was so curious to hear what ridiculous predicament Ricky had going on.

"Yeah. There's this girl that I'm into, but she's way out of my league and would only think of me, at most as a friend." He paused for a while. Amy looked up at him, unable to avoid direct eye contact. What was he trying to say? Was Ricky admitting that he felt something for her?

"Well, what's her name?"

"You don't already know?" He responded back, and Amy figured it out. It was her. She braced herself for some Eighties Movie moment when she'd have a change of heart and … naw. If Ricky got any closer or tried to kiss her, she was sure she would slap him on pure principle alone.

He would deserve it for taking advantage of her. Amy had been stupid enough to like him, like _really _like him and thought that his flirting meant something. She thought that when he took her to the basement, it was because they would be something by now like … together. But that summer at band camp had been so much more than that basement.

Amy shook the thought out of her mind since she was beyond that now.

At this point, Amy had to figure out how to explain this to Ricky. There was no way that she'd ever be with him.

Just as Amy was about to say just that, little-miss-not-so-perfect rounded the corner. Grace Baughman. Amy stopped the urge to roll her eyes, but it was just do difficult not to. For anyone to act like their moral compass was so much better than everyone else's … it was sickening.

Never mind that she'd gotten the whole school, practically, to walk Amy to class after the entire baby car accident. It was just to make people like her more. It wasn't like she cared. They never even really talked.

Amy focused her attention back on Ricky to see that he was gawking, majorly … and his eyes were fixated on Grace's body like she was everything he could want. So, _that _was the girl.

Amy sighed, turning to leave before the two started up a light conversation. Really? She dialed Ben's number and asked him to come and get her. But come on, really? Grace Baughman. Eck. As Amy waited for her husband, her mind started to take control again, and she could see the car accident very, very graphically play through her mind. She did everything possible to stop herself from crying and waited until she was safe in her bed, alone, where she could let it all out.

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><p>(AN: What did you think? -NL)

If you like this check out the original- _The Truth Is_, and if you're into Twilight read _After the Hurricane_ or _South of Nowhere_


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